It’s been a little bit since I’ve done one of these. They aren’t usually hugely popular, but I enjoy writing them so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
As usual, a quick tip of the cap to Bill Simmons back when he was the “Sports Guy” at ESPN. His stuff was really enjoyable to read back when I was in college.
Pregame
Here’s how the teams will line up:
Hoppe and Reyna in the starting lineup would’ve been nice, but Reyna hasn’t been in great form lately and he’ll probably make an appearance in the second half.
Pregame: The music before this game sounds suspiciously like the music at the Groundhog Day festival in the Groundhog Day movie. Weird. *da da dah da da dah da da dummmm* (Groundhog Day is a top 10 movie for me btw. So good)
Still pregame: Schalke with a pre-match injury. Seems about right for them these days. Mustafi out, Oczipka in.
4th minute: Harit with a decent little run into the box. His small moments of inspiration are basically Schalke’s entire offensive plan
6th minute: Haaland hits the ball so pure and hard. Corner.
7th minute: Nice attacking combo between Sancho and Haaland ends with Sancho hitting it straight at Fahrmann. Sancho’s been a little better lately.
9th minute: What’s wrong with Brandt? Terrible touch in the box.
11th minute: Have we all accepted that we are pronouncing the word “derby” dahr-bee? I’m not sure I’m cool with this. We’re American – it’s der-bee.
14th minute: Hoppe yellow card. Commentator calls it stupid and it probably is, but I don’t hate him being kind of a dick there.
16th minute: Brandt is a disaster. Ugh. Schalke can’t do anything with the counter though because they’re awful.
18th minute: Brandt loses the ball. Drink.
*Side note* Came home with these (right) from a recent trip to Rochester, NY. Both are good. Had never been able to find the Bruichladdich before.
22nd minute: BVB have really missed Hakimi on the right this year. Morey/Muenier haven’t come close to replacing what he gave them.
23rd minute: Shalke nearly end up on the “When Playing it Out of the Back Goes Wrong” Twitter feed, but get out of it.
27th minute: Hoppe is gonna need to score again soon or that three game stretch is going to be more and more regarded as a fluke.
28th minute: Schalke turn a dangerous counter into two crappy blocked shots at the top of the box. *sigh*
30th minute: Sancho dribbles out of bounds. We’re headed for a 0-0, aren’t we? Fahrmann has to go out too. Schalke has had better years.
33rd minute: Delaney is a madman. Goes air born and sideways, but wins the header. I’d take him on my team.
36th minute: Emre Can might be BVB’s best defender and best midfielder. Stud.
38th minute: Schalke’s defense has looked pretty good. However, it also looks like they could play for hours without scoring.
42nd minute: Schalke screws around with it in the back, turns it over, and Sancho scores. BVB with the deserved lead…I guess.
45th minute: Haaland flying karate kick goal. Wow. That was awesome. Sensei Lawrence would be proud. Assist for Sancho there too. Please go anywhere other than Madrid, Erling.
Halftime
Fairly dull game came to life in the last 5 minutes of the half. Hoppe has been almost invisible (not really his fault) and this looks hopeless for Schalke. Hopefully Reyna comes on for Brandt early in the 2nd half.
Quick Ramen noodle break for lunch. Add some cayenne pepper and drop in an egg and it’s dang good.
2nd Half: Schalke rearranges a couple deck chairs on the Titanic (Mascarell/Schoepf on, William/Boujallab off). No changes from Dortmund.
49th minute: Best attack of the game for Schalke. Serdar’s shot is blocked out for a corner though. Nice pass from Harit.
50th minute: Hoppe almost gets on the end of a cross and then Serdar hits one off the post (Hitz got a piece of this. Nice save.). Schalke looking pretty good all of the sudden. Feels like BVB should score now to complete the kick in the crotch.
52nd minute: The egg in my Ramen is slightly overcooked. Disappointed in myself.
53rd minute: Hoppe steals the ball from Mats Hummels’ corpse and blasts the ball off Hitz. Corner.
56th minute: Harit’s skill creates some danger for Schalke again.
60th minute: Guerreiro goal. Nice move down the left between him and Reus. He’s such a good left wing back. Up there with Davies and Angelino imo. This game was already over, but now it’s OVER over.
61st minute: Bellingham on for Brandt. I like his game – another good youngster for BVB. It’s too bad Rose isn’t taking over until next season.
66th minute: Hoppe off. Not too eventful. Yellow card for Kolasinic now. A fight might be the only thing to hope for if you’re a Schalke fan at this point.
71st minute: Stambouli rams into Morey who is near death after the challenge. Hope he pulls through.
74th minute: Schalke’s manager (Christian Gross) reminds me of the Russian ambassador in the Hunt for Red October. There’s a definite Russian villain from a 90s movie vibe there.
78th minute: Can we get Reyna on, please? This diary is the only reason I’m still watching this game.
79th minute: Bellingham assist to Haaland. 4-0 I don’t feel like BVB have even been that good. Schalke is just depressingly terrible. Reyna on though.
83rd minute: Moukoko on now. Watching him always feels sort of significant. Could end up being one of the next “generational” players.
87th minute: Haaland has the same “I will kill you if you take me off” presence that Ronaldo has. Wants to score as many goals as he possibly can.
90th minute: Referee mercifully ends the game with no added time. Haaland is pissed. LOL
Full Time
Dortmund wins, but is basically in purgatory waiting for Marco Rose. They have to hope they get it together enough to make top four/Champions League.
Schalke is a tire fire and will be playing in the 2 Bundesliga next year.
The end.
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