Pregame:
Welp. I wasn’t planning on writing anything today, but the mother nature has thrown us into the deep freeze and my day job (teaching) was cancelled. So why not?
USMNT Fans: No idea if this will be interesting to you, but I have an unexpected day off and I’m watching soccer…so let’s get another rep in.
Chelsea Fans: Buckle up Chelsea fans. I am one of your incoming American supporters due to Christian Pulisic. I love soccer/football in general (I’ve been watching a lot of Bundesliga due to the American presence), but now am watching Chelsea with greater interest. I’m trying to get a handle on “Sarri-ball” and figure out how Pulisic will fit in next season.
Looking at the starting lineup – it’s going to be tough for CP to get decent playing time if no one leaves. That front three of Hazard-Higuain-Pedro looks pretty strong and that doesn’t even include CHO or Willian. Why is CHO not even a sub btw? Injury? You’d think starting him against Bournemouth would be a good chance to get him some playing time in an easy win. Maybe he’s already got his heart set on Bayern.
KICK OFF
1st minute: What’s up with the super tight camera angle? Can’t see what’s going on off the ball at all.
3rd minute: King had two different guys he should have played in, but hits Luiz in the side of the face instead. Ball hog. That hurts. Head injury? Soccer is in the stone age with concussion stuff…
6th minute: Kovacic off the bar. Think the keeper got a piece of that. Most goal frames hit this season, eh? That’s a weirdly depressing stat for Chelsea fans.
10th minute: King is terrible. This is the first 10 minutes of Bournemouth I’ve watched this season, but yikes.
11th minute: Hazard is so good. He’s the professional equivalent one of those men’s league guys where he’s better than everyone else and you just have to get him the ball and he’ll go score. (Everyone hates that guy btw. Go play in a better league.)
14th minute: Replay shows Boruc did get a piece of that header earlier. Nice save.
16th minute: Pedro has been pretty invisible. CP looks like he’d be an improvement at RW based on the first 16 minutes at least. Although, last time I saw Chelsea play I thought Pedro was good. *shrug emoji*
18th minute: Watching this game looks depressingly similar to watching the USMNT play a top level national team. Bournemouth just can’t hold on to the ball or do anything with it when they do get it for a second.
20th minute: Bournemouth puts a shot into row M. Sadly, that was their best moment since Luiz got drilled in the face.
24th minute: Still weird to see Kante playing an 8 role. I know Sarri has his system and all that, but if you have arguably the best 6 in the world…maybe you find a way to play him in that position?
25th minute: Nice chance for Pedro after a beautiful line-breaking pass from Luiz that he hits straight at Boruc.
28th minute: This just in…David Luiz is really freakin’ good.
30th minute: Shot of CHO looking surly on the sideline. I’d be surly too based on what I’ve seen from Pedro so far. Also, Kante was just incorrectly ruled offside. It’s a little odd watching the PL these days. Really no video review? It sorta feels like going back in time. How do you not have VAR yet?
32nd minute: Pedro with a misplaced pass. If we turned “Disappointing Pedro Moments” into a drinking game I think our livers might be in danger.
35th minute: Bournemouth dangerous for a minute or two here. Don’t worry though, they screwed it up. Are they in the relegation zone? Checks standings…10th? Seriously?
38th minute: Bournemouth with a semi-dangerous counter. Easy save for Kepa in the end. Chelsea comes straight back down and Azpilicueta almost scores a nice curler. Nice save again.
41 minute: Rudiger gets away with fouling a Bournemouth player off the ball. Good play if you can get away with it I guess. Cynical though.
44th minute: Bournemouth starting to look competent on the break. I’d be worried as a Chelsea fan at this point. Tons of possession with very few chances. Really just that one off the bar and the Azpilicueta shot.
47th minute: Pedro with a cross? Shot? Terrible whatever it was. Willian on at the half?
HALFTIME
Thoughts:
- Pedro has been awful
- King is pretty much an oaf
- Boruc has been pretty good
- Hazard and Luiz are better than everyone else
Here’s a reference for like 3 people. This game reminds me of watching the Detroit Red Wings (I’m from Detroit) in the 1990s. They constantly had the puck and would get a million shots on goal, but the other team would have a hot goalie and we’d lose 2-1. Anyway, Chelsea reminds me of the 90s Wings right now.
2ND HALF KICKOFF
47th minute: GOAL Bournemouth. 1-0. King scores expressly to make me look bad. Screw you, guy. Nice goal for Bournemouth though. Red Wings comparison going strong. And I don’t know if Brooks knew King was there, but that was a great pass.
49th minute: Pedro loses the ball, but get bailed out when the dude commits a dumb foul.
53rd minute: Luiz can really play a line-breaking pass. Holy Cow. Unfortunately, Hazard channels his inner Pedro and passes it straight out of bounds. Ironically he was aiming for Pedro. It was probably his fault.
58th minute: Pedro with a really nice pass to put Kante in, but he can’t control it. Almost like he’s not really a goal scorer and shouldn’t really be in that position.
60th minute: Pedro with a flick to no one. Good thing we’re not playing that drinking game, eh? And now Willian replaces him. He can’t be worse, right?
63rd minute: Luiz with a terrible pass/turnover. GOAL Bournemouth. 2-0. Guess that explains why I’ve heard/read people complaining about Luiz over the years.
65th minute: I’m barely a Chelsea fan. I’ve watched a few games and a couple more with interest lately since the Pulisic transfer, but man are they frustrating to watch. I’m sorry full-blooded Chelsea fans. I bet you guys are pissed right now. Bournemouth should have just scored again btw. Ugh.
69th minute: Brooks off injured and now Cook is down. Either we’ve entered time wasting time already or Bournemouth has had some real rotten luck here.
74th minute: Regretting my decision to watch/write about this game. Can I have those critical comments about Bournemouth back?
75th minute: GOAL. 3-0, Bournemouth. King scores again. Luiz gets beat again and King scores. The lesson here is that I’m a moron. On the bright side, this Chelsea team looks like they could really use Pulisic. So impotent.
78th minute: Hazard with a nice cutback to Loftus-Cheek that he steers wide. None of this matters.
79th minute: Azpilicueta almost scores off a header from a corner. Chelsea Motto: I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind.
83rd minute: Chelsea need more dangerous options at right wing, and both non-Jorghino midfield positions if Sarri is going to stay committed to this formation. Wouldn’t hurt if Jorghino looked goal dangerous either (although I know that’s not his job).
88th minute: Emerson falls down expecting to win a foul. Ref doesn’t bail him out. It wasn’t a foul, but still, that’s cold.
90th minute: Please don’t add stoppage time. Just end this. Willian almost scores. Nobody cares. 5 minutes of stoppage time?! *facepalm*
95th minute: GOAL. 4-0, Bournemouth. Charlie Daniels (Seriously? Like the Devil Went Down to Georgia?) just scored off a set piece. At this point if Bournemouth put on the real Charlie Daniels (82 years old) he’d probably score.
GAME (not so mercifully) OVER
Final Thoughts? I’m only nominally a Chelsea fan and that was awful. Congrats to Bournemouth, but Chelsea fans are probably practically homicidal right now. Go have a drink, play Fortnite, whatever. I hope things are better by the time I’m watching this team every week next year. Blech.
